WebMaD (as renamed herein) and The Return To 2nd Grade

WebMD (as renamed herein) and The Return to 2nd Grade

Once you reach a certain age, your email is often filled up with regular appearances by providers of unnecessary information you never asked for, and find generally useless.  They arrive in the form of newsletters from people like WebMD, AARP, and more.  They often have messages aimed at "enlightening" you in some form by answering questions you never asked.  Just such a message arrived in my email recently, and its title made me set it aside for exploration when I had nothing else to do.  It was a WebMD newsletter with a title that editorial policy in my little column here forbids directly relating directly here.  Suffice to say that its subtitle, "The Truth About Body Noises," gives you a hint, but it could be misunderstood.  For example you might say to yourself, "Oh, it's probably about snoring and creaking, cracking joints," or. if you are someone who suffers from--or lives with someone who suffers from--seasonal allergies, you might even say "it's probably about coughing and sneezing, etc."  Nope.

It's really about something associated with digestion, and--more specifically--its leading headline deals with certain malodorous events that are associated with the intestinal tract.  Yes, it's flatulence, but, just to make sure the headline has the maximum impact, they scorn the use of the medical term and actually use the word.  It begins with "F" and rhymes with "That smarts," which is usually what you might have said after Sister Mary Borgia has smacked the back of your hand with a ruler for using the word in her classroom or even in the schoolyard during recess.  Our editorial board here is populated by people who were taught not to use certain expressions by the Sister Mary Borgias of this world--probably during the previous century to this one.  WebMD's editorial board, on the other hand, is probably populated with 2nd graders or those whose vocabulary remains thrilled with the same expressions they enjoyed in the 2nd grade.  This is much like what one imagines the editorial board of Mad Magazine to be, hence the suggested renaming of "WebMD" as "WebMad" cited  above.     

At any rate, the title drew me in and I set aside their newsletter--engagingly entitled "Gurgles, F-----, and More Body Noises."   When I got around to opening it, the page linked to it contained a number of exciting tools and "facts."  The most unsurprising of these "facts" was the following observation; "Working out will help you f--- less."  Yes the people who constantly nag you about the benefits of regular exercise "push up" the notion that "Exercise reduces unnecessary air anywhere in your body."  Hah! " They have never been to yoga class" is all I am going to say about that one.

Oh, and get this, "Air travel increases the amount of f---ing you do."  I am not making this up, they loftily point out that "the change in air pressure can affect more than your ears."  I am pretty sure that was true for the people that flew with me and I believe them, although I don't recall any unfortunate incidents I was responsible for.  There is another "benefit" of travel I don't miss.

Their engaging way of conveying these "facts about f----" was to offer an online quiz.  I took it and scored a 40%.  Now I have heard some talk about the lowering educational standards these days, and when I went to school 40% was an "F," (no, the "F" is just a coincidence, really--it stands for failure).  WebMaD gave me a "pass on the gas!"  How can you trust these people?

Oh, by the way, the next quiz offered after completing the one I took was entitled "The Scoop On Poop."  I did not even go there.