Light and Darkness

A friend of mine remarked recently that she was feeling much better. She had felt plunged into darkness for a time, and then it was like someone had turned the lights back on a couple of weeks ago and she felt much better about life. I asker her who turned the lights on and suggested it might have been her. We chatted some more about what accounts for differences in how one feels about their progress in life and whether there are gender differences in how we perceive the purpose of living etc. But the idea of living in the light vs. living in the darkness stuck with me. It reminded me of a metaphor someone once mentioned to me—the question was if the earth stopped turning, where would you want to live—on the side that was perpetually dark or the side in the light? It led me to asking myself whether I preferred morning light or late afternoon, whether gravity would cease or overwhelm us, etc., etc. It ruined the metaphor for the person speaking as it was intended to somehow make a point about caring for the environment. My point was the whole thing is impossible.

Anyway, where does that leave me on the subject of light and darkness? I guess in the same place. Light and darkness are yin and yang. One does not exist without the other. It is just as silly to deny the existence of light when we are experiencing a dark period, as it is to pretend when everything is light and happy that we won't ever have any darkness to face. Life if made up of both, as my friend later remarked-beauty is found in the interplay of light and darkness, the contrast, the shading, the combinations that seem endless. I will try to remember that the next time I'm in a dark mood.

Making a Virtue of Necessity

A friend of mine asked me yesterday. How, from a coach's perspective, is helping someone find a job for survival different from finding a job that serves one's purpose in life? My response was something like this—it likely makes a difference in what the client wants to be coached about. How to quickly network one's way into a job of some/any sort differs from making a career transition in lots of ways. If I were in a conversation with a client, I probably would have responded with a question. How is it different for the client?

To me, someone already employed, but itching for a change to a job that is—choose one—allows the client to do more of what she enjoys, is more satisfying, fits a higher purpose, allows the person to give back in some way, affords some generativity; has the opportunity to look at her life and search out those things that fit the particular need or desire that is at the root of the urge to make a change, i.e., where is this energy coming from? The authors of Don't Retire—Rewire depict in their "rewiring" process, a great step-by-step path to follow. That client can look at his life and see what drives him now, look at how he spends his time now. She can look back at her accomplishments and identify her strengths, and she can identify the possibilities and set about making it happen on her own timetable. The process can be full of endings and beginnings as he explores the possibilities. Finding one's passion isn't easy or even possible for some. There isn't time to find the perfect one thing, which takes us back to the first of the two types of job search my friend asked about—finding a job for survival.

In the survival mode, time is a major factor—the rent comes due every month, food is one of life's necessities, the bills have to be paid. Michael Gates Gill tells a great story in his book, How Starbucks Saved My Life, about the dignity of work, and the value of respect and service. He was one of those Madison Avenue 'Mad Men' who suddenly lost his job, and had his life unravel. Soon he found himself at the end of his rope. By chance, he was offered a job by a young African-American store manager at Starbucks. His book tells the story of his own transformation in the humbler life of a barista in a coffee house.

We live in a resort community and so have had, in the past; flocks of young people appear to take seasonal jobs in the tourism industry. They have usually been a mixed bag, some with lots of enthusiasm, but not a lot of skills yet. I am sure they grew from the experience and developed the skills because of that enthusiasm. They framed their work as an adventure and were having fun doing it. Others were bored, simply putting up with the people they served and they probably got little more than a paycheck from the experience. The way they framed their work was putting up with the customers so they could have the funds to have some real fun

By contrast, in today's economy, my wife observes the newcomers that have arrived for the relatively fewer, but still available, seasonal jobs, are without exception enthusiastic and eager to serve. It makes the experience of being a customer a good deal different, obviously much better. I suspect it is much the same for these jobholders, too. The value they place on having and keeping this job they are grateful to have shows up not only in how they serve their customers, but it seeps into everything about the job, including the satisfaction they get from it. The relative scarcity of these jobs reveals something that was hidden before. Customer service can be a satisfying occupation for anyone, depending upon how it is framed

Back to the person looking urgently for some type of work, overlooking the service jobs because we live in a judgmental society and no one wants to be looked down upon, as another underemployed friend puts it, is a mistake. There is dignity in work, value in service and respect. Another friend is working in a supermarket and says it's not fun. Knowing her, she will come around and begin to develop the attitude that will allow her, when she sees a friend come to her checkout line, tell her about the best new thing she's tried from the store or the great deal she saw in produce. When she translates that into how she deals with all her customers, she will turn the corner (at least that's my hope for her). So, if you need a job sooner than you can identify your purpose in life, find a store you like and apply for a service job, then make a virtue out of necessity—become an enthusiastic provider of excellent customer service. People will notice, and you'll have more fun.

 

More Positive Affect

Yesterday I ran across a column aimed at mobilizing 'olders' in support of some cause or other that I lost interest in. What intrigued me was a side comment regarding one of the benevolent effects of getting on in years. It seems that researchers have learned that the older you are, the less likely you are to remember unpleasant emotions. You mellow out in some way because your emotional memories tend more to be positive. You experience less negative emotion, pay less attention to negative emotional stimuli and remember less negative emotional materials (Mara Mather, et al. "Amygdala Responses to Emotionally Valenced Stimuli In Older and Younger Adults," 2004) .

It turns out, the theory goes, that consciousness of the shortness of time you have left causes this. At 25, you expect to live forever, but at 55, you have started to wonder. This is a fundamental pillar of socioemotional selectivity theory (you knew that). Even young adults with abbreviated life expectancies display this affect. But the really neat thing is that the human brain decides it no longer has time for all that negativity. It begins selecting out and paying less attention to what is wrong with life, and focuses on what is right.

I think this can also be observed in the focus on generativity that begins to appear in "olders" (you know who you are, olders). Simply put generativity is "a concern for establishing and guiding the next generation." Erik Erikson, eminent psychologist of the latter half of the 20th century, coined the term in studying the aging process. It finds expression in things like "making a difference," "leaving a legacy" and "giving back." Suddenly, it become important to leave a positive mark, to guide the next generation in the right direction.

What better way is there to follow this natural course than not wasting time, being positive, and providing a positive example to everyone everywhere you go.

Balloons

She waited in the checkout line, a decorated cake, some chicken and the balloons tied to her cart. Pink and blue, she thought, and she smiled. The cashier smiled back and asked "Having a party?" She smiled again and nodded. She hurried out of the store, loaded things into the car and headed home with a mission. The family would be arriving in an hour or two for the cookout she had scheduled in honor of the school year's end. She was a teacher, after all, and the end of school was understandably a cause for celebration. Good cover.

As she pulled into the driveway, she decided the balloons were first. She carefully peeled them off the inside roof of the Highlander and hurried out to tie them to the mailbox. Stepping back after tying the strings, she made sure the balloons had room to wave about and nodded her satisfaction. Grabbing the cake and the chicken from the front seat, she closed the car door and headed inside. The house needed some last-minute touches she doubted Mat would attend to...

Ninety minutes later, they turned onto the street and rolled the last quarter-mile to her place, there were cars in the drive, he noticed, they weren't the first ones here. Sheila noticed them first. "Oh no, what's going on? Those balloons are pink and blue. What are they up to?" He shrugged, "It's a party, you're making more of them than they are--just balloons." He parked the car and waited for her to join him at the end of the walk. As she reached to ring the doorbell, they opened the door, each holding a toddler. "Say Hi to your new grandma and grandpa, kids," she said as she and Mat handed the boy and girl to their new grandparents. "These are our children, tell them what you want them to call you."

Working It Out

A few months ago, I started work with a personal trainer, Kaitlen by name. We're working on making me:

• more flexible,
• stronger,
• exhibit better posture and
• become more open to the mind-body connection as explained in yoga.

The latter is Kaitlen's objective for me, and I'm going along with it in the name of learning something new. One of the things that makes the workouts easier to get through is listening to Kaitlen expound on her own special view of yoga for the common man.

Anyway, I am finding that the daily exercise (including a weekly visit with Kaitlen) is helping me think more clearly and rid myself of some of those nagging little worries, like whether I'll ever be able to sell my house and retire, or whether my son will find the career he truly wants or otherwise find his way in the world, how my daughter will adjust to life with two newly-adopted children, or whether I will maintain my independence into my eighties.

When I leave the gym, all those things seem to have been worked out. I feel better, I walk straighter, I breathe more deeply, and I can sense that all of the worries will resolve without me having to obsess about them. I can't breathe the past or breathe the future, I can only breathe the present. So I plan to keep breathing today.