The Inside Story

Lately, I've been looking at things from a different perspective. Internal vs. External. Much of what I have done until now has been driven by roles, expectations and obligations. As a child, I had a role which my parents defined, accompanied by some very clear expectations--do my chores, go to school, study hard, don't fight with my brothers, etc. All these things were really just required behaviors that were visible and external.

Later, I attended a university and obtained an education, because that was what was expected if you were going to become an adult.

As life went on, there were many external things--choosing a career, getting a job. Then there was choosing a mate and starting a family, which included the obligation of providing food and shelter, obtaining the other material things we wanted to add to our comfort, pleasure, etc. Of course, to make those things happen, I had assumed the role of employee--performing the obligations that came with that position. All the rest depended on keeping that job

Along the way, all of that external stuff took precedence over the internal things.

I had to make compromises that usually meant letting externals take precedence over internal things, Pursuing a career was balancing two elements, I learned. I had to balance what interested me (which was internal) alongside what I could do to make the money I'd need to be independent (external). So, I chose a career that was a form of compromise between the two. But the reality was far different from what I thought it would be while I was in school. There was very little of what interested me, and a lot of what I just had to do to make money. I remember the feeling of depression that came over me on Sunday evenings early in my career--facing another work week. I adjusted, grew up and became more comfortable in the career I had chosen, but I remember it was a struggle.

Today, I would tell a younger person that doing what is expected in your job is an obligation you accepted when you took the job. If it doesn't work for you, don't blame it on the organization--decide whether it is worth it and stay or go on that basis.

The roles of father and husband were usually pretty clear to me. I could look to my parents for an example of how to make family and marriage work. Their example taught me you work at it and remain committed to succeeding and it will work out. But, the truth is, I didn't have to wonder what to do--My father, the visible role model, set out pretty clearly what I had to do. I had to choose my own way, but I was doing the same things.

Today, I am looking ahead to what the 2nd half of life will look like. I find myself looking inside. Life will change without the usual roles of employee (I'll retire from my 1st half career) and father (the kids are grown and mostly on their own). The "husband" role is still around, but I think it will evolve a great deal in the next few years.

But just what do I want? There is no real pattern or role to follow, no obvious choice or obligation. Some people think there may be too many choices in front of us. One fact I am pretty sure of is the "golden years" model is not for me. I'll likely work, but not in the field I am in today. I want to do something else, now that I can. So my focus is on the inside, much like it was when I was choosing a career the first time. But this time I see a need for a better fit to my values and a greater focus on what I want to contribute going forward, not on what I will get materially. You see, I don't have 60 or so years ahead of me, it might be three years or it might be thirty-three. With that in mind, my choices will be different this time. There's a new story to write and it will take some time for me to write it. I just know I'll be looking on the inside.