The Inside Story

Lately, I've been looking at things from a different perspective. Internal vs. External. Much of what I have done until now has been driven by roles, expectations and obligations. As a child, I had a role which my parents defined, accompanied by some very clear expectations--do my chores, go to school, study hard, don't fight with my brothers, etc. All these things were really just required behaviors that were visible and external.

Later, I attended a university and obtained an education, because that was what was expected if you were going to become an adult.

As life went on, there were many external things--choosing a career, getting a job. Then there was choosing a mate and starting a family, which included the obligation of providing food and shelter, obtaining the other material things we wanted to add to our comfort, pleasure, etc. Of course, to make those things happen, I had assumed the role of employee--performing the obligations that came with that position. All the rest depended on keeping that job

Along the way, all of that external stuff took precedence over the internal things.

I had to make compromises that usually meant letting externals take precedence over internal things, Pursuing a career was balancing two elements, I learned. I had to balance what interested me (which was internal) alongside what I could do to make the money I'd need to be independent (external). So, I chose a career that was a form of compromise between the two. But the reality was far different from what I thought it would be while I was in school. There was very little of what interested me, and a lot of what I just had to do to make money. I remember the feeling of depression that came over me on Sunday evenings early in my career--facing another work week. I adjusted, grew up and became more comfortable in the career I had chosen, but I remember it was a struggle.

Today, I would tell a younger person that doing what is expected in your job is an obligation you accepted when you took the job. If it doesn't work for you, don't blame it on the organization--decide whether it is worth it and stay or go on that basis.

The roles of father and husband were usually pretty clear to me. I could look to my parents for an example of how to make family and marriage work. Their example taught me you work at it and remain committed to succeeding and it will work out. But, the truth is, I didn't have to wonder what to do--My father, the visible role model, set out pretty clearly what I had to do. I had to choose my own way, but I was doing the same things.

Today, I am looking ahead to what the 2nd half of life will look like. I find myself looking inside. Life will change without the usual roles of employee (I'll retire from my 1st half career) and father (the kids are grown and mostly on their own). The "husband" role is still around, but I think it will evolve a great deal in the next few years.

But just what do I want? There is no real pattern or role to follow, no obvious choice or obligation. Some people think there may be too many choices in front of us. One fact I am pretty sure of is the "golden years" model is not for me. I'll likely work, but not in the field I am in today. I want to do something else, now that I can. So my focus is on the inside, much like it was when I was choosing a career the first time. But this time I see a need for a better fit to my values and a greater focus on what I want to contribute going forward, not on what I will get materially. You see, I don't have 60 or so years ahead of me, it might be three years or it might be thirty-three. With that in mind, my choices will be different this time. There's a new story to write and it will take some time for me to write it. I just know I'll be looking on the inside.

Where It's At--Retiring in the Right Place

Lately, I've been thinking about "place," as in where to spend the 2nd half of life for us. The concept, it seems, includes more than just geography.

Oh, sure, there's where you are in relation to the important parts of the country. I'm finding the important parts of the country are more often associated with where important people in your life are located--like siblings, parents, children, best friends, to name a few. So, where you are in relation to important parts of the country is also mostly about who, isn't it?

I had an uncle who had 13 children (Catholics, what can I say?), and calculated that Springfield, IL was the geographic center of his family's respective locations. So, after reading up on the city and liking what he learned, he moved there. It didn't last, and I don't think his family came to visit him there much anyway; so he and my aunt moved to Helena, MT where they lived in the early years of their marriage and were happy they did.

A place that people want to come and visit can be an asset, too. My uncle's plan didn't take that into consideration--while Springfield, IL was a fine place to live, his extended family just wasn't that likely to pick it as a vacation destination.

Then there are the other facets of geography, like proximity to lakes, the ocean, mountains, etc. If you particularly like to spend time close to one of those listed, you'll want to bear that in mind. I especially like the beach and warm climate, so I have gravitated to Coastal South Carolina.

But yet another aspect of "place" has occurred to me. Part of what makes a place special is what and who you surround yourself with. That's community. You can move to a place and never know the best things about it if you don't get involved in your community. Will there be ample opportunity to join groups and give back to your community in your retirement place? Think about it and consider the people you can and will rub shoulders with in your "place." As they used to say--"that's where it's at."

Gregory Bleers, Sr. R.I.P.

My sister's husband of more than 40 years passed away in his sleep last night. His passing was painless, we are told (for him at least). My sister says his final weekend was spent happily--with family in Saugatuck, Michigan, puttering around the house and holding his newest grandbaby. He listened to the Masters' results on the way home and watched the highlights last night before he went to bed--he loved golf. Golf was a vice he took up later in life, I think after all his children were grown. Like me, he would hit a couple of good shots a round, and that was enough to keep him coming back.

Greg had the most energy of anyone I have known, he was always on the move--doing something, helping someone. We saw him at one end or the other of long trips for the past 25 years, as we moved to the Southeast that long ago. Sheila remembers him as always carrying someone's suitcase in from the car, whether when arriving at our place in the company of my 2 sisters and Mike, or when welcoming some of the many arrivals to our annual family reunion in Saugatuck. One final example, the last time he visited us, he cleaned out my garage!

He was one of those people who never met a stranger, he loved to talk and to strike up a conversation with people he encountered along the way. I never saw him be other than friendly toward every stranger he encountered.

Greg didn't hesitate when the chance came to chip in with his children to buy a vacation home and invest lots of sweat equity making it the place they dreamed it could be. When his kids needed his help, he was there. He helped his son rehab a house over the course of what seemed like a year or more, gutting the place and rebuilding it piece-by-piece.

I see so many smiles when I picture him, whether it was the impish grin when he was up to something or the positively beaming smile he would offer when one of us would tease him. He was full of life, and I'll miss him.

His passing is one of those events that gives me pause and makes me reflect on how my life is playing out. Am I doing all the important things I can? As I write the story of my life each day, am I including all that I value the most? I know this event is not about me, but I'm thinking it is one more gift from Greg--reminding me that life is better spent on the move than at rest, with a smile not a frown, and giving others a hand while you have the chance.